Protip: If a small child is nearby, show them this picture.* 📷 This art** depicts something called an ouphe. Ouphe, pronounced "oof," is a great word to randomly say to someone, akin to a weak insult, if you like that kind of thing. Ouphe comes from the same etymology as "oaf," loosely translating to "elf child." It can be used to mean an elf, goblin, sprite, fairy, or faerie.*** Ouphes are mean, though. You don't want to be near one. While a Tooth Fairy will give you cash, a Tooth Ouphe will simply take away your teeth. If you ever don't want to do something you know you have to do, imagine a small ouphe is going to be eating your flesh if you don't. Sorry for creeping you out; it creeps me out too. Thanks for reading what I wrote. Remember that ouphes are snazzberries.****
–beautifulthorns (who is really Jacob, by the way. We all know his name. What's the deal with this beautifulthorns kid? Is it his alterego?)
[Jacob is playing Magic: The Gathering]
[Jacob is playing Magic: The Gathering online]
[Jacob is reading articles about Magic: The Gathering] [Sorry, it's really addictive] Fine, I'll write more words It was, like, April Fools' Day or something, right? That's permission to have short posts. Our next section will be "Ouphes in Pop Culture." This actually just means a comprehensive list of all***** Ouphes in Magic: The Gathering, because that's the pop culture of ouphes. (They need more pop culture references. That's why I'm writing this post, by god. Because think of the ouphes!) I gave each ouphe a nickname. Aerie Ouphes: The Long-Nosed Ouphes Brown Ouphe: The Ouphe Toddler Dusk Urchins: The Black Ouphe Fyndhorn Brownie: The Tasty Ouphe Ooh, tangent time. Here is the flavor text on Fyndhorn Brownie: "I've been insulted by drunks in a hundred inns, but never as skillfully or annoyingly as by those blasted brownies." —General Jarkeld, the Arctic Fox Brownies are sche ming, horrible beings. Our worst fears have come to fruition. Gilder Bairn: The Cute Ouphe Kitchen Finks: The Ouphe of Tournaments Niall Silvain: The Legendary Ouphe (and also maybe the creepiest; see below) 📷 Ouphe Vandals: The Gang of Ouphes Pyknite: The Scalp Ouphe Shelkin Brownie: The Banding Ouphe Leave a bowl of milk on your doorstep each night for the brownies, or they'll cause you no end of mischief. In one flavor text, brownies are creepy monster ouphes; in the other, desserts that taste good with milk. Spellwild Ouphe: The Generic Ouphe Before we finish, here is one link and another link about the history of ouphes in Magic. Even if you don't play, I encourage you to click anyway. The art is spectacular. Thanks for reading what I wrote. OUPHE!
–beautifulthorns
Originally aired April 03, 2019
*I'm not responsible for any emotions they may experience. Or emotions you experience, for that matter. Don't sue me! Also, yes, protip is one word.
**Art by Scott Altmann for Wizards of the Coast.
***In some contexts they're the same, but I'm including both for completeness.
****They're snazzy berries, OK?
*****Excluding creatures with changeling, Mistform Ultimus, and Dr. Julius Jumblemorph.