California Strong!
So, candidates for state offices in California are required to write a blurb. This blurb is placed on a pamphlet given out to each voter. The idea is that it will be an introduction to the candidates' beliefs and persuade you to choose their name.
Now, conventional wisdom would dictate that the candidate spends time on their blurb and attempts to make it as coherent as possible. For example, it would make sense for candidates to be careful with spelling, grammar, and other writing conventions. However, as you'll see, this is not always the case. A disturbingly large amount of people run for senator or governor on a random whim.*
In this post, we'll see that we could have gotten it worse than Dianne Feinstein and Gavin Newsom. Here are my picks for the top 10 worst/funniest/best candidate statements from 2018. These are quoted exactly.**
10. His Name is Jason Hanania: Jason M. Hanania (Independent)
My name is Jason Hanania. […] If elected, I agree to use an electronic voting service. Using mobile apps, the Evoting Service will serve 100% of the American people regardless of race, religion, wealth, or gender. […] To ensure accountability, the User Platform will utilize blockchain security. […] Thank you for your consideration.
We know his name is Jason Hanania. It says it. Right above.
By the way, his proposed voting system would require a lot of audience participation for things no one cares about, so people wouldn't really vote. A possible result would be that issues a majority of Californians have one position on, but the people who have the opposite position would be active.
9. Strongman: Akinyemi Agbede (Democrat)
Mission Statement—California Strong!
This is what I was saying about grammar checking. It's reminiscent of Be Best.
8. No Con-Con: Robert C. Newman, II (Republican)
Pro: God, life, U.S. Constitution, Parental Rights, Property Rights, Business Limited: Government, Taxes, Regulations No: Geoengineering, Con-Con
This statement would be higher, but it turns out that Con-Con is a real thing. It stands for Constitutional Convention, and the idea is that a balanced budget amendment could be added to the constitution so the budget would always be balanced. This doesn't really make sense, as we can amend the constitution. If that is the case, why would we need a new convention? Also, the national debt can be healthy.
But Robert C. Newman, II is con-Con-Con, so there's that.
7. Google It: Kevin Mottus (Republican)
The FCC forced roll out of the new 5G wireless technology and Internet of Things […] biological effects below our current FCC guidelines (google: Naval Medical Research Institute 1972). […] microwave poison our children, families, homes, and workplaces (google: microwave sickness webster’s). […] (google: press democrat Verizon antennas) […] (Google: FCC Captured Agency Harvard). There is a new two party system: Representatives who represent corporate interests and those that represent the public’s interest. I represent the public’s interest and swear to protect the health and well-being of all Californians. Vote Kevin Mottus for Senate
There are three things I want to point out here:
One. I wonder how many people actually Googled these things. I've added links to the blurb to make that easier.
Two. If you did Google it, you get something about microwave sickness. Which is from waves, not cookware. Which is hilarious. Just so we're on the same page.
And three. I love that Kevin Mottus points out that he represents the public's interest. If you're bringing up whose interest you represent, you probably represent the one that's "good."
6. Golden: Erin Cruz (Republican)
Less Tax, Less, Regulation, Less Government. Together we will Make California Golden Again.
Get the golden paint, everyone. It's time to paint the state!
On a different note, Erin Cruz is the only woman on this list. I'm not sure exactly why.
5. The Serial Number: Douglas Howard Pierce (Democrat)
S6CA00790 Excellence in serving our country, California Native, Los Angeles […] I will uphold all rights of all people of the Great California that speaks: Native American Tribes, English, Spanish, Chinese, Hebrew, Vietnamese, […] Thai, and missing children and adults voices. Victim voices that will never speak again! I promise to protect California’s 40+ Million, Constitutional Rights, Uphold Sovereignty, and Pledge of Allegiance to the United States of America. Douglas Howard Pierce S6CA00790 www.PierceSenate.com Twitter @PierceUSsenate Spanish ww.douglas.com.mx
What's with the serial numbers at the beginning and end? I legitimately don't know. But this guy promises to protect Uphold Sovereignty and Pledge of Allegiance to the United States of America. How could he be bad?
4. The Superpowers of Slogan Man: Lee Olson (Independent)
Lee’s slogans are “Representing our Interests, not the Special Interests,” “Getting Government out of our Wallets and our Lives,” and “Providing Leadership out of the Death Paradigm We live Under of 'Slavery, War and Poverty for all but the Special Interests’ in to the Life Paradigm Intended for us of ‘Freedom, Peace, and Prosperity for All.’” Lee’s Mission— “Protect us From the Government.” If you’re a Frustrated Independent, a Disenchanted Republican or a Disaffected Democrat perpetually yearning for Freedom, Peace and Prosperity, then Lee’s your man. Be inspired at www.LeeOlsonforSenate.com.
I'm a huge fan of the whole nested slogans thing Lee Olson's got going on. But I don't have much to say about that. I only want to point out that he's running for government with the mission "Protect us From the Government."
3. Read More on Twitter: Peter Y. Liu (Republican)
By the way, here's the headshot used on the ballot:
📷
2. You Only Live Once: Johnny Wattenburg (Independent)
Why not!
I mean, his chance of winning does increase marginally from not running. Maybe everyone else in California could get eaten by sharks?***
Now, it's time for number one. Drumroll please:
1. The Math Teacher: Christopher N. Carlson (Green Party)
“Teach your children calculus And keep the planet safe Or feathered stones and empty bowls Will also be their fate”
Always remember: if you don't know calculus, you will suffer the wrath of the feathered stones.
Thanks for reading what I wrote. Don't forget to spell-check**** blurbs before you send them to the State of California.
–beautifulthorns
Originally aired March 20, 2019
*This is true for president as well; in fact, many candidates have currently created committees to run for president, but they often don't have the resources to really run, or to get on the ballot of many states.
**Two things: Firstly, I have written the blurbs in italics, so italicized words and phrases within the blurbs are in normal Roman text. And secondly, some boring parts are omitted, because some of them were quite long with only a few funny parts in the middle.
***Yes, I know shark attacks actually kill very few people, so that's not realistic. Maybe there's an extreme weather condition, like a massive hurricane, which is more plausible. But the situation where Johnny Wattenburg emerges victorious is not a plausible one.
****0. You Need to Get Grammarly: Grammarly Advertisement (Grammarly Party)
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